Tempted To Doubt

Bill, my son’s nurse, shook me awake from my nap on the couch in my son’s hospital room. With tears in his eyes and concern in his voice he asked, “What kind of God would allow your baby boy to get so sick? Either He’s not really a good God, or He’s not a powerful God. Either way, He’s not really a God at all.”

At a time when I was weary from lack of sleep and still trying to make sense of all my son’s diagnoses, I found myself being confronted by the enemy in an attempt to make me question God. The enemy - through Bill - not only attacked God’s character (“If He was really good…”) but He questioned His might (“If He was powerful…”) and His position (“If He really was God…”) as well. In the same way that he’d tempted Jesus in the wilderness, the enemy’s taunts came when I felt at my weakest.

I rejected the accusations Bill made about God those 21 years ago. But a seed had been sown.

Since then, the enemy has often used times of disappointment, grief, fatigue or confusion to sow doubt in my heart about God - about His faithfulness, His love, His fairness… As the mom of a child with multiple diagnoses, there have been many occasions of difficulty and hardship for the enemy to pounce upon.

And, to be perfectly honest, there were times when my view of God suffered as a result. During particularly difficult seasons, I have succumbed to perspectives of God that did not align with Truth. My faith sometimes faltered. Fear sometimes prevailed. The voices around me were sometimes so loud they were able to temporarily drown out the Voice of Truth inside me.

Temporarily.

Thankfully, even though the enemy has relentlessly tried to sow doubt, God Himself has also been relentlessly faithful in reminding me of who He is. He has reminded me that He is always with and for me and my family. That He is our Provider, and Healer, and Comforter, and Defender. He has reminded me of His great faithfulness, His unwavering goodness and unfailing love. He has shown me glimpses of the good plan He has been working out for each of us.

Because He has revealed these things to me, I can say with greater confidence that I know who He is more and more. Even on the hard days when I’ve had to wrestle with my circumstances and my feelings in order to embrace the Truth. Even then, He’s there to help me choose to trust Him. To help me remember that He is Who He says He is.

And once I remember that, I’m able to see Him at work. Around me. For my family. For our good.